The Condition of Drowning

Tolerance

2009-01-27T21:37:00.000-05:00

I was listening to a man on the bus today talk to another man. (That is to say I had no choice but to listen to this man. He was yelling his opinions at this man at a volume that was just a hair higher than irritating!)

The man kept talking about politics. (Taboo bus conversation.) He kept talking about how Republicans do not respect or tolerate any other race but whites and how they don’t tolerate any other religion except Christianity. He went on to say, and I quote, “Everyone should respect and have blind tolerance for every religion, view point and political party. Everyone one deserves to be on this earth just as much as anyone else. The utmost a person can do is being tolerant!”

Now, I understand perfectly where this man is coming from. He is saying a nicely packaged acceptable statement that comes across caring and filled with justice. However, I’m going to do what I love doing best and dismantle this statement to show how it actually supports and promotes an attitude of the exact opposite of what this man’s intentions are.

It is in fact in my opinion that the greatest crime one can socially commit is blind tolerance. I believe firmly that an intolerant heart is a heart that has love in it. Let me explain;

We should be tolerant of all religions right to exist and practice freely, correct? Even a religious practice that said it is moral to marry, molest and rape young girls? Well, our government has decreed that it is “selectively” intolerant of this act, like in the case of Rev. Jeff’s of Utah whose cult practiced these very acts for generations.

We should be tolerant of all ideology? Hitler and Stalin had some very stimulating speeches then!

I think you see where I’m going with this, so I’ll stop.

These are all extreme cases of what one should not be tolerant of, however I believe there are things in this life that lie on the grayer side of the spectrum that people tend to be tolerant of that they should not, which leads people to gradually accept things that should be unacceptable to a rational mind.

Mostly people should not be tolerant of apathy. In the end I think indifference is what blind tolerance creates. A blindly tolerant world is a world that does not reject you; but no more than it accepts you either… nor will it love you anymore than it hates you. Blind tolerance is indifferent to every faith, ideology, opinion and human being. It is indifferent to all those things that make us human, thus blind tolerance is inhuman.

So many people say “Tolerance is love”, I think tolerance in its core definition is “not giving a damn”. I’m sure my boyfriend would be moved to hear me whisper in the dark “Baby, I tolerate you!” It is cold, impersonal, and without tact. Therefore tolerance is not love; it is avoiding conversations, people and problems. It is a way of sounding caring without becoming attached to our fellow human. Sound like you care for their plot when really you are indifferent to their plot and care for only your own.

Tolerance has a time and place. “Tolerance is love” rhetoric is likened to the old saying “live and let live”. Would you live and let live a viper in the bush? Most likely, but would you let it live in your bed, in your wife’s closet… in your child’s crib? Of course not. We need not check our brains at the door with tolerance in other realms of life either.

One thing I agreed with that man on the bus said was “Everyone deserves to be on this earth just as much as anyone else.” He’s right. But I think he’s right from a different stand point than he’s most likely taking.
He most likely thinks that everyone deserves to be on the earth as much as he does with the assumption that he in fact DOES deserve to be on this earth. However, I do not think he does deserve to be on this earth, neither does my neighbor, my friends, my boyfriend, my teachers, or even myself.

Who really deserves to be alive? How did we earn it? Are we all just that great of people that we perpetuate our own existence with our shining karma? Rubbish!

We are all guilty of crimes, indifference and perversions. We all descend from peoples that have warred, pillaged, raped, slued, enslaved and ravaged other peoples. We, alive, are the products of the winners of wars and the bounties of thieves in reality. Who among any of us deserves truly to be on this earth in the end? We suck!
That’s the real reason why you are to never deny another man his existence. You are just as deserving, or non-deserving as the next poor chump. You deserve to be punished for the way you stab your brother in the back, cheat on your wife, cheat your taxes, but you aren’t. So God-forbid you ever forget that and ever condemn another man of what you so proudly have committed in your life. You give yourself leeway when you tell a lie or steal some change. You justify your own behavior every time you lose your temper or act impulsively. So why not love others as you love yourself. You’d never harm yourself over what you’ve done; give your brother the same leeway. In the end our goals should never be to tolerate each other, but to actually love each other.

Tolerance is not about tolerating ideology, religion or parties. It is about loving humans, while being intolerant of the human evil; accepting humanity while rejecting malice. If tolerance is left blind of humanity it begins to become both indifferent to the man and the crime, as though they were one. I still refuse to accept that a man can and should be defined by the sum of his actions; forbid I had that fate. Love is never blind. Love is dividing. Love is what makes a man favor one woman above all others, love is what makes a mother patient with her child’s behavior and love is the only reason there is any grace in this world to begin with.
One needs to be boldly intolerant against bigotry, hatred, injustice, corruption, abuse, genocide, and suffering. Yet, the world desperately needs us to be tolerant of those who commit such actions, because in the end it is us who are the culprits.

Pashtun Girl

2008-06-24T23:06:00.002-04:00

In 1985 National Geographic featured a haunting photo of a young Pashtun girl. She was beautiful with strikingly cold eyes staring dead into the photographer's lens.

Well, 17 years has come and gone. She's nearing 30 now, has married, produced 4 children and managed to avoid getting blown up.
It shocks me. You can see the years of refuge and war on her face. She looks like a woman of almost 50, not a woman of almost 30. Before her eyes were defiant, now they are weary and tired.

The evils of this earth really does do much to crush out life in people.

TIME!!!

2008-04-18T01:58:00.002-04:00

Time

A thought was posed to me tonight. The thought was a depressing analysis of time and our relation to it. The thought viewed time as a vacuum in our lives that causes great pains and frustration to fill. It is a cynical view, a view I’m sure I’ve shared in the past.

However, I got thinking about time and it’s actual nature.

I’ve come to a conclusion and a personal opinion that time is only an intimidating void when we struggle to fill it, and perhaps the very outlook of “having to fill it” is where the problem originates in the first place. I pose the question therefore that maybe time is not a void (an absence of a thing,) but rather it itself is in fact existent within reality. (a thing.) Like a vacuum is an absence of air, time is the absence of reality in this view point. This view point is nihilistic, and not a Christian perspective then. If the bible clearly states that God Himself is the maker of not only the Universe, but this thing we call “time”, and our lives, then we can not view time as a nonexistent entity. (That statement within itself is contradictory.) God is real. Everything originates from God, you can not add to Him, nor take away.
With that established, God creates. He creates existence. He IS existence. To state He made a thing to the contrary of His being is not only unbiblical, but is against the very concept of God.

So, we have established time is a thing. What do we make of it?
When we were viewing time as a void to be filled, what we were really thinking of was an empty vessel; like a cup or vase, waiting to be filled with water. Now, it is in my opinion that this is not a healthy view of time and our life’s relation to it. If our very view of our time is that of an empty vessel, then I have to admit that our lives themselves are very empty.

Now, here is what I believe time to be: time rather than being that empty cup waiting for water; time is in fact the water. Like Marcus Aurelius said in his meditations “Time is like a steam of water, one current comes after the other, then is swept away, then another current arrives to replace it, only to be swept to sea as well. Such is time just as fleeting.”

Time is a thing, and it will escape us.
In my opinion, a man who sits and seeks out things to fill his time with is not partaking in a purposeful life. That man is a great defeatist, just simply looking for things to do to keep him occupied until his death. Like a loyal wife reading a magazine to past the hours before her husband returns home for dinner, so is a man that waits for death akin to death, and it is death‘s meal they partake of. And, a man who at his very essence is akin to death is not only already dead, but He is not akin to God. If God is akin to life, and if God is Life, how can one call themselves a child, akin to God, if he himself is akin to death? I can not rationalize this.

There is few things I find more upsetting in this life than men who have chosen to die 10-20- ever 60 years before his own funeral.

I firmly believe there is a great sin in the slothful-wastefulness of the potential God has imbued to human life. I believe God that has given us life, and I believe as the bible teaches, He created for us a constraint to live in, that we formally call “Earthy time“. (or a plane of existence, call it what you will. ) God has also in that token given time particular unique qualities, and those qualities have a purpose.

God has made time with a past; perhaps so we may be reflective? God has made time with a future; perhaps so we may be hopeful? God has made time with a present; perhaps so we may live in it? And furthermore, He has made time fleeting; perhaps so we may chase it?
God made time with qualities that serve great purposes, so perhaps a man who ties himself to the perspective of “purposeful time” is also tying himself to the perspective of a “purposeful life.”

The concept of a purposeful life is very uniquely Christian in the concept that if one is to confess they submit to Christ, believe He is God, their Savior and kinsmen, then they are agreeing to be transformed by this Christ. They are agreeing to Christ’s principles, thus, they are agreeing to serve God’s purposes, and not pride. Any Christian who knows their bible will tell you that God’s purposes will be carried out whether or not you are driven to complete them. Any Christian also knows that if you claim to be a Christian and are not bearing the fruit of that confession, then the confession itself is suspect.
Point blank: Christians are not asked, but ordered to serve a real purpose in life. They are not asked to live, they are given life. It is written within the Law of God that His children live purposeful existences. You see, a life which seeks purpose does not seek to fill time, but it seeks to use it-- master it, dominate it, and maybe also it is depressed by the prospect that time might run thin when there is still much work to be done.

Christ’s dying words, “It is done!” Christ’s last breath was a statement of how we should live our lives; we should be pursuing our goals even to, and with, our dying breath. In that same turn, Christ’s resurrection spoke of something greater. It spoke of real purposeful living; it is a living that bleeds purpose beyond the grave. Runners run past the tape, not to the tape-- a life that respects time drags time with it to the crypt, and beyond.

Therefore, I pose a final question:
Perhaps the old men we admire, who fill their lives with tasks are not doing so to past the time before they expire? Perhaps they are feeling the creaks in their backs, and the slipping of their memories and are afraid? Perhaps they are afraid that the days have few to little hours, and the hours have fewer minutes than they did when they were young? Perhaps it isn’t boredom they fight against, but time fleeing them before they are done with it.

Foolishness

2008-03-26T00:37:00.001-04:00

Sometimes people say stuff they think is really "sensitive" like "people can't help it, everything that's happened to them has made them who they are, it defines their behavior" this kind of stuff pisses me off. They think it is sensitive, but they never see how insensitive it is. It just sounds nice!—but it is lazy thinking, and thus indifferent—thus uncaring by default.

Let me explain myself:

As a matter of personal opinion, it is absolute rubbish to accept the concept that past behavior "defines" how a person behaves. I say this because the word "define" derives from the term "definite"... meaning “absolute”, “objectively true” and “without exception”.
Would it be a point of sensitivity to tell the woman who’s been raped that she’s screwed, her way of looking at the world, her character and her behavior, and her mind is forever construed beyond her finite control? She’s doomed to a life of fear, seclusion, and shame? I mean to say, when we bring a term like “define” into play this is exactly what we are starting to suggest. We are suggesting that all the experiences of our life decides exactly who we are, internally and extrovertedly. I find this fathom to rape man of his humanity. I do not adhere to the concept that the sum of a man is the culmination of experiences.

People always say,“I feel that everything that happens to someone makes who they are today.”
I do not adhere to this; I find this statement to be highly un-empowering to humanity. This statement is in reality is a guise of sensitivity, which is masking what is really being suggested. It is technically looking at man in a demeaning manner. It is taking the experiences of his life, patting him on the head, justifying his behavior, and allowing him to not think about his own being, and allowing him to embrace an excuse for his behavior, instead of a solution. This breeds a highly uncaring world; a world where we don’t implore each other to hold ourselves to higher standards; a world where those who do become out of the norm, and even looked down upon.

I’m however not suggesting people who say this stuff mean it in any insensitive manner. What they say is somewhat of a “buzz term” now a days, it is widely accepted. Again however, just because something is widely accepted as just, and kind and nice, doesn’t necessarily mean it is well thought out—it might just simply sound nice. Sometimes these things are just adopted as opinion, because they formulate aligned to our own ideals of what great people we all are. My opinion, regardless of whether or not something sounds sensitive, we need to challenge our own views and opinions, dig deeper and consider whether or not these statements of ours actually work in and have vitality, and serve our fellow man to the utmost.
Man in a sense is not merely the sum of the experiences in his life, he is the sum of what he decides to do about those experiences.
Therefore, to say that the cumulative of past experiences, will without exception, amount to the sum total of a man's character and demeanor is not only neglecting every other known psychological and sociological fact, it is also demeaning to man himself, in my opinion of course.

I Hate Freud soooo much!!

2008-03-21T10:38:00.002-04:00

Okay,

Now, this next statement is of personal opinion I assure you, but I've for many-many years have always believed Freud to be a mother-loving idiot! (Yes, I did just take an Oedipus-complex crack!)

I've always thought that Freud was about as accurate in his portrayal of the human mind as Salvador Dali was in his portrayal of the female body!(Side note: Dali was a follower of Freud, and heavily influenced by him.) I'm in constant disagreement with his theories, and I rarely see eye to eye with him.

I frankly think Freud needed mental help more often then he gave it, for these reasons:
His ideas on interpersonal interaction is isolating to a man’s person. It would not function on any real world basis where we are forced, and thrive off of interpersonal human interaction. There is of course something to be said about “looking within to realize your true strength”, but in Freud’s world it seems that’s about as far as it goes. He didn’t seem too focused on looking in and then abstracting the redeemable qualities of man to better his world or self. He wanted us to look within, see how dirty we are, sulk in our perverseness, then come to a point where we feel comfortable with glorifying our own lacking— without striving to over come them. He offered no cure for the worse aspect of man, but simple was content in indulging in it, it would seem.

Freud viewed everything as more of a self discovery, as though the human being was some sort of mystical frontier to be explored. This is idealism without evidence to justify it. (It is like eating psychological rice-cakes; it’s big and bulky, but can’t actually satisfy.)

I think Freud spent too much time simply reflecting within, in which case he didn’t find a mystical frontier of a man to explore, he found a waste-land of penis-envy. There was no grace to Freud’s theories, he highlighted and obsessed about the latter aspects of man. He utterly over-looked, or could not find the things that were redeemable in man. I believe he was spending too much time looking in, in self-judgment, insecurity and disappointment to of ever seen how the healthy-redeemable man functioned.
He had rhetoric of selfishness; he was focused on the self. I can not imagine how anyone can have any love, or sense of grace towards their fellow man if they never stop to look at him, compare themselves to him, and realize they are identical to him; in both their strengths and lacking. Freud didn’t show much love for the human race; he seemed to glut and glorify more in the lacking of man. This spawns a hateful attitude towards your fellow man, when the only moment you choose to look at humanity is when you wish to seek out perversity. I find his motives far more primitive than intellectual, you see.

It is in fact possible to be so self contained that you become a virtual social zombie. Humanity’s sole existence and elevation into civilization would not be possible without interpersonal interaction. No man is an island, but I feel Freud only seems to focus on man, as the island. His views are selfish, self-serving, xenophobic, and self-contained. I think they are more of a reflection upon his mental insecurities and social anxieties than they ever were a reflection upon society or the human condition.
(There is a reason that colleges have been slowly dropping Freud.)

Adversely, we as humanity need each other. Self-realization can only go so far. There comes a point where we have to look out of ourselves, and start practicing comparative realizations. We can not be healthy human beings, functioning in the way man was meant, and programmed to function if we remove the interpersonal link from man.

It is simply counter productive to spend your life looking within to see where you rest happily with yourself, with out ever looking out into society to see where you rest within it.

With all that said Freud did have a pretty awesome beard!

Maybe it is the lack of sleep...

2008-01-18T22:16:00.000-05:00

...but I've been really thinking about the way people around me lead their lives lately. Not my friends, just the variety of people buzzing in and out of my life vaguely.

I worked for two days at Arlington Food Lion as a fill-in cashier. This Food Lion is in a very bad neighborhood, and makes over 50% of it's gross from EBT(Electronic Benefit Transfer.. in other words; Government issued Food Stamps.)

What I've seen the past two days has sickened me. Not the fact there are poor people, because by all means I am not a millionaire or prophet by any stretch of the imagination (I'm in fact homeless living in my friend's house barely making above minimum wage trying to scrape through school.); what struck me was the energy and manner by which the cliental carried themselves.

I can't tell you how many times I heard mother's (younger than me) tell their herds of children, "We can get candy, don't worry, it's FREE money!" I'm sorry, but there is no such thing as "FREE money".

Things just don't manifest out of nowhere upon their own will without any logical source or origin!!! That's the rule of nature, the Universe-- and frankly God!

So, I decree that Economics follows suit!
Money comes from somewhere; some one is paying for that candy for those mothers!! And the joke is; due to the confines of Economic Law, where there is no such thing as "something for nothing", where money is in fact numbered; those single mothers have in fact become indebt to this fact. They can not receive without giving, thus there is a debt on their head which inclines itself to be paid in full.

As I've watched these individuals I've become all to aware of what exactly it is they are trading to relinquish their debts. It has stunned and bothered me to the core. What they are giving back in return goes beyond the reality that 500 pound women feed their children nothing but starches and sugars; all foods that make you feel full, minus the nutritional value, thus it gives you the illusion of comfort and plentifullness when there is little. It is miles beyond the fact that old men try to beg for cheap booze when they can't buy food, and the fact that these people NEVER say thank you when you assist them, or loan them an extra dollar from your pocket to help them afford formula, or the fact that they expect these donations from their cashier, as though they were entitled to it.

It is beyond all that, yet I can sum up my horror very simply, within these words: The children would always look up at their mothers with pride and gleefully shriek, "Yeah, mama! It's FREE money!"

Useful Idiots!

2007-07-19T23:18:00.001-04:00

I find myself lately losing more respect for many of my fellow men. I recently posted a photo displaying an aborted 11 week fetus to express the evils of abortion, even at the 1st trimester level. (Distasteful? —maybe. Brutal?—defiantly!)Now you must understand that the fetus photo really isn't anything more than a simple shock tactic. I find shock tactics both amazing and appalling. It is really just a primitive manipulation upon people. You take something resembling a human form, pervert it, and then wait for the emotional feedback that will undoubtedly surge, without restraint, from the diarrheatic mouths of your fellow man. The reaction I received for the picture was laughable-- the reaction I got from people being pro-choice that is. (I didn't even know they were pro-choice until posting the picture if that tells you anything!) The reclusive pro-choicers attacked me aggressively—violently! Not because they thought the picture was distasteful, (Which is an argument I would have understood perfectly.) but because they thought by my very endorsement of the photo I was some how inflicting upon their personal freedom to disagree with me. Thus, their true implication in argument only served to inflict upon my freedom to disagree with them. (Hypocritical?) It is silly really-- and conflictive. I find a lot of radical liberals to be almost Nazi-like in their rhetoric. They create this double-standard where they are allowed to be judgmental, while accusing everyone else of passing judgment upon them. They cross their hearts with the very notion that they themselves are the defenders of free-thinking, while if a free thought was to pass side-ways against their own personal good-taste it is dismissed violently and antagonized. So therefore free-thought is allowed so long as it is chastised by the chains of neutrality. (Nothing is really free about that sort of free-thought in my opinion.) I think the real reason pro-choicers were offended by the picture I posted is because it conflicted upon something they held dearly to support their identities. They; like most weak minded people, had an emotional response to seeing a dead baby in the fetal state, however that emotional response conflicted against their held identities as a liberal pro-choicer. They were taken from a place where their held beliefs on abortion is a place of high civil-agreement and pro-humanity, to a place where it is anti-humanity and supportive of civil oppression. It was displayed basically as a perversion on the human form and condition-- which is conflictive with the liberal thought that pro-choice is pro-woman and pro-freedom. The shock value of the picture forces one to consider the fact that the personal freedom may be at the expense of enslaving, mutilating and oppressing the very innocent of innocent. (Maybe even that is truly anti-woman, and a perversion on femininity in its most pure form within female function and beauty?) You see, while I was taking the violent attacks from what I thought were "friends" it was revealed to me over and over by these so-called "friends" that I was demoralizing a sliver of their personal identity! (Which may be the real revealer in my opinion?) They were not attacking me for offending some high moral standard they held, or for even the defense of social-rights. It's far more selfish than that!
You see, I blew a hole in something they built a kin to themselves. They identify themselves as "liberal" or "pro-choice", so if you were to approach them with anything that may offer a logical flaw in that identity they must become violent! (To this sort of liberal calling out their flaws is as good as walking up to an African-American and telling them they are wrong for being black.) This sort of close-minded extremism has the very face of it they painted with the concept of “what it is to be liberal.” (Conceptual Liberals if you will—very shy of actual Social-liberalism.)
Taking a shot at their liberalism is like knocking the legs out from under them. It is no longer a political or social discussion, it is a personal attack, because these people really don't have any personality, or personal beliefs-- they are their beliefs!
If you take their liberalism away it arouses fear, because they have no purpose or identity they have built themselves outside of these frail, conflictive and apathetic political agendas. Anyone would become argument and violent to protect the fiber of their beings! So I hardly can blame them for the violent attitude.

Now, this is all a stirring argument for why I firmly believe in building the frameworks of your life upon something a bit more objective and permanent than a contemporary political stand.Which brings us back to why shock tactics are interesting? It is a manipulation of the emotions. And for someone liberal in this way emotions are the center of their rhetoric. People who are easily controlled by their emotions and swayed by their impulses are weak minded. They don't have a firm, objective and logical stand on any topic. Their minds don’t reason out pros and cons to deduce the obvious and most productive stance-- their emotions do. Unfortunately emotions change, sway and are hardly ever objective. (Anything ruled by impulsion and fear is simply subjective.) Thus these people are weak minded and impulse driven, thus I'm appalled at the idea of them ever having any social say in any decision that would affect the rest of the “free-thinking” world. People who can not think objectively, and allow the war over their own personal identity to become more important than that of the war for human-rights should not be making decisions for anyone else! (At the risk of sounding a bit Fascist, I dare to say; sometimes they shouldn’t even be trusted with themselves.) They lack social empathy. They are simply to internal and selfish when it comes down to it! With that said they are weak minded, and it is easy to arouse fear in them, which is technically not a bad this, at least for me.
I firmly believe that all men are created by God, and therefore have the potential to have a use in this world.

In closing, God created the world men with use... the world created me useful idiots.

A Message for My Dear Friends

2007-03-23T00:32:00.000-04:00

"Woe, is the burden of wisdom." -- King Solomon

There are few of us left it this world that truly think, contemplate and strive tirelessly for the sake of the ones that don't-- wisdom is an awesome burden.

I have noticed that myself; and other's like me with similar personality types, seem to obsess and stress out over issues in our lives and the world. I myself tend to spend much time trying to decipher the events of my past, while analyze over my current situations, while dwelling methodically in my future. I'm intuitive, careful-- yet compulsive.

Knowing is more painful than not knowing.

Strife is reined by understanding in this sense. To be careless is a blessing. Those who have no cares have no worries.

If a man boldly states, "I fear nothing!" then truly I would have to say he is a man that loves no one. But for all of us-- the intuitive, the wise, the empathetic-- there is much to fear, because there is much we love-- profoundly. And it is in this knowledge of love where we see the vulnerability of the profound.

We see life's tender bonds.

We see the way a friendship is strung along on fragile words and invincible threads. It is this intuitive knowledge that expresses so clearly how truly frail the moments of life; or the glances of a loved one, can truly be.

The empathetic delivers the problematic!

We fear because we can see how tenderness could be blasted to dust by the tiniest of personal failure.

A fall of gratitude, a flick of fate, a careless look, a moment of lust: these spell death to what we hold most dear in life.

The world would call the bonds of friendship to be bonds of strength; bonds where you can safely rest your head. But for the contemplative head, where it rests is a place that can just hardly bare its weight. We shutter--fearfully, with the knowledge of what's to come.

With personal folly aside; the relentless predator Time closes in on our love and life, beating bloody the passages of our lives to what is inevitable-- an ending.

And like the knowledge that the moon will someday wax into the night, we know surely so will whatever we hold dearest. For the youthful among us this spells for unconceivable sorrows, but for the well-aged among us we can reconcile these thoughts, find comfort and praise God.

You see, the end of a thing is truly greater then the beginning of a thing. It is better to die than it is to be born. In life there is chaos, distress and confusion. While in death there is reconciliation, justice and resolution.

For there will come a time when Time itself shall take the fragile words of our friendship and crumble them into the night. Then we shall see what is left when the careful glances and tender motions of friendship have fallen. We shall see the resolution-- we shall see what it is that laid in sleeping under those fragile words and invisible threads. We will fall; with our lines cut, and see what lies in the depths of interpersonal interaction-- what is the frame work-- what are the foundations we rest our heads upon?

Where the façade dies the grace begins.

All of us fear this moment in life for it is our own knowledge that foretells of deaths and endings, but I believe the real sorrow and fear comes from our childish misunderstanding.

Where knowledge ends true wisdom begins. However, knowledge ends with Death, and what is the foundations of our love begins with Life.

We chose Knowledge and all it begets: fear, sorrow, strife and doom. Yet, we should not be sad for Life is freely offered where Knowledge dies.

Maybe now this is the time where we truly understand man's folly. Perhaps now we can look back upon Eve and have a sense of awe as she pulls upon The Fruit of Knowledge while forsaking The Fruit of Life.

Advice for My Male Friends

2007-03-15T15:42:00.000-04:00

I decided to give my male friends some love advice, because after conversing and sharing stories with a dear friend of mine (whom is nameless.) I’ve decided y’all really don’t know women, and really don’t know how things work!

It would appear that my dear friend is being question on sexual or depraved motives in his friendship with me, thus meaning his accusers are utterly clueless when it comes to male/female interaction!

So here below are the words of King Solomon. Many Christians disregard The Songs of Solomon as useless poetic dribbling from the mind of a pervert. But I argue that King Solomon; though women were his excess, was still the wisest man to ever live, and thus he knew a thing or two about how to handle relationships. We should learn from him, and practice our romantic relationships in the example he laid out in his songs.

Enjoy!

Break Down of The songs of Solomon: (in order of verse.)

1- “Friends sing: ‘We rejoice and delight in you
we will praise your love more than wine.’”

Here we see that Solomon is saying that the friends rejoice in their friends relationships. They don’t gossip, they don’t jeer, they don’t look on in jealousy or with speculation. They rejoice and praise, they don’t get involved beyond just being happy for the couple in this particular song. So basically Solomon is saying, the only thing expected from friends is praise, and praise alone without any other involvement.

2- “Why should I be like a veiled woman
beside the flocks of your friends?”
Here the women of the song is asking why she should be hidden away from her beloved’s friends? And the answer is she shouldn’t. Love does not beget shame, a woman is not a possession to anyone. A woman is to be kept and loved and praised, not possessed over.

3-“Like a lily among thorns
is my darling among the maidens.”

Here the man is showing some sign that he views his new wife as greater than any other woman. Is she really better? Who knows! The point is she is to him, that’s why he married her, and his eyes are drawn to her and her alone.

4-“Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
is my lover among the young men.”

Here we see the reverse. The woman claims that her new husband is greater than all the other men. Is he? Who knows! The point is he is to her, and is perfect for her! And her eyes aren’t for any other man.

5-“He has taken me to the banquet hall,
and his banner over me is love.”

In this verse and the verses after it, it is expressing how the woman is treated in public. It says he waves a banner of love over his wife. It is apparent to other men and women that this woman is his, and she is served and loved by him. This is appropriate.

6- “Catch for us the foxes,
the little foxes
that ruin the vineyards,
our vineyards that are in bloom.”

The word vineyard is an on going metaphor in the Songs, it represents the couple’s connection and growing, developing relationship. Here it says to catch the little foxes that ruin this vineyard. Meaning, stomp out small problems before they destroy your relationship from the inside out. Great advise. Tend to your love, don’t get comfortable and just expect it to tend it self. Tend to each other.

7-“All night long on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.”

Here we see the woman looking for her love and not being able to find him. This is a great warning, casting your net out, waiting, searching striving towards a romantic relationship will always bring you up empty handed or disappointed. Don’t chase love, allow love to come to your quarters (like it did later on in this song.) then allow it to develop naturally. Sometimes the quickest way towards your goal isn’t the one with the most haste… in love it is usually the path of patience. A marriage requires patience and temperance, so why not your search for love as well?

8-“Until the day breaks
and the shadows flee,
I will go to the mountain of myrrh.”

This is a beautiful metaphor that the husband sings in the song. He talks about his marriage to his bride as being “day break” and until that day he is in the mountain of myrrh. Myrrh traditionally in Hebrew culture is an ointment of death, it is spread on the dead bodies during embalming. So this expresses the man’s restlessness and how a part of him is really in death until he finds his wife. Men need women to be sane and stable, the bible repeats this several times in several places.

9-“You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride!”
“How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much more pleasing is your love than wine”
“Open to me, my sister, my darling,
my dove, my flawless one.”
“If only you were to me like a brother,
who was nursed at my mother's breasts!
Then, if I found you outside,
I would kiss you!”

Look at all these quotes where it would seem quite creepy that they keep calling each other brother and sister! This is not creepy however, it is an expression of spiritual incest, which the bible states as being imperative in marriage. You must be conceived from the same spiritual seed. Like in heart, like in mind, and like in spirit. It is a profound expression of love here for the husband to call his bride sister, and like wise for the bride to call her husband brother. It is a sign of deep love, that is beyond just earthly marriage, that is a connection on a divine level. The ideal marriage is suppose to contain this spiritual incest according to many other biblical writings as well.

10-“Friend’s sing: ‘Eat, O friends, and drink;
drink your fill, O lovers.’”

Again, I shall point out that the friends rejoice, they don’t question, they don’t mock, they are just happy and over all seem to ignore the couple in the song.

11-”This is my lover, this my friend”

This is a lesson I really want my male friends to learn. Friendship! It is the highest level of human relations. If you can not honestly say that your lover is your friend then there is a problem. Many love experts will tell you to be good friends with some one before allowing it to develop into love or marriage, and there is a good reason for this! I assure you there are criticisms that I’d gladly accept from my best friend, but I wouldn’t from a boyfriend. It would hurt for a boyfriend to criticize me because of obvious insecurities I might have around him, but my best friend is fully allowed to critique away, without fear of losing our relationship and love. My best friend can put his foot in his mouth an I’d forgive him and think nothing of it, I’d understand he just jumbled his words up. However, you guys should know, putting your foot in your mouth to your girlfriend or wife is utter suicide. Unless of course your girlfriend or your wife is also your friend… you see what I’m saying here? Spare yourself the drama, actually be your spouse’s greatest friend… damn it! (People never learn!)

12-“I am my lover's and my lover is mine”

Marriage!!! This is what marriage is. It is equal. A man does not have possession over a woman, nor a woman over a man… they possess each other, and serve each other and each other alone.

13-“Sixty queens there may be,
and eighty concubines,
and virgins beyond number;
but my dove, my perfect one, is unique”

Again, out of all the fine women in the world there is something that sets the beloved’s wife apart from the rest of the women in this world… you need to find that, there must be that certain something. You need a woman who is unique in spirit, not just a woman that’s willing to put up with you.

14-“I belong to my lover,
and his desire is for me.”

Again, Marriage!!! The woman is her husband’s, and her husband’s alone. While the man only desires his wife. Fidelity, you must have a mutual understanding and goals. You must be headed down the same path, that is the best deterrent of adultery.

15-“Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is stronger than death,
unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame”

Do I really have to explain this one? Here the woman is the seal to her husband’s heart. She is the key to it, she guards his heart loyally. She is his strength! Her love pulls him through the darkest parts of his life. Stronger than death. Unyielding as the grave.

16-“Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.”

You can not buy love. Nothing you ever do in your life will earn you another person’s heart. Love can not be killed, therefore it can not be grown out of nowhere either! I go back to friendship on this one, it must develop from somewhere. Not only that, but it must be allowed to develop at its own pace in its own time. Those are the loves worth having. You can’t just cast your net out and reel in love, it must find you, you must choose it, you must nurture it!

17-“But my own vineyard is mine to give”

The vineyard metaphor again! It is hers to give she says. Remember that! You can not steal a woman, she has a mind and a will of her own. A healthy, self- respecting woman knows her heart and her body is hers to give… you can not break into the vineyard and steal her grapes, damn it! The woman decides who is allowed “in her vineyard”, or in her heart. Women are the pursuers of relationships, not men. It is proper that a woman chooses in whom her heart lies; in some cases the man has little choice even.

18-“Do not arouse or awaken love
until it desires.”

Do not stir love until it pleases! The greatest advice that ever existed in my opinion. Leave love alone, let it come to you. Allow relationships to develop naturally in their own time. Those are the loves worth having. Love begets love.

19-“Love is to bare each other’s burdens.”

King Solomon didn’t write this. Some one wiser did; Our Lord Jesus Christ. In true love you take care of each other. There is no sorrow to heavy for your spouse, sister, or friend to carry. And like-wise, there is no depression to deep that you can’t sink in the depths to pull your spouse, sister or friend from. Inside and outside of romantic relationships. This is the true definition of love, and it must be the core of every marriage, and every friendship.

A final message to my male friends: You are not our keeper!

God is Good

2007-03-10T00:50:00.000-05:00

God is Good.

I’m going through a lot of depression lately. I feel the burden of guilt, frustration and confusion weighing down on me. I feel my mind dwelling tenaciously in the past, obsessing in the present, and digging myself a grave for the future. I’ve slipped into grim clouds of depression as these things have weighed upon my heart. They are burdens for me as I search for the answers to my pain.

God is good.

That notion dawned on me recently. It is the answer.

God is good.

King Solomon said before he died, “Meaningless! Meaningless! Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless. What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun? Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever.”
He was right. The things we toil and fret about are truly and utterly meaningless. They do not matter, no matter how cataclysmic they may seem, and no matter what the “worldly” consequences of them may be. They are meaningless.

God is good.

You see my pain and my burdens are simple vanity when held up into perspective. Earthly pain does not last forever, whether it be a famine, a war, or a paper cut. So here I sink into a cloud of depression, and truly I am sinking into a cloud of death, built upon a burden that will someday inevitably die off. It is a fool who would allow their heart to become build upon something that is not permanent. If your soul is made of things that will someday die then truly you are already dead. And truly things that have endings are truly things that do not matter in perspective.

God is good.

All pain has an end, even if it be eventual mortal death. And it is in this we must reconcile God’s goodness, we must redefine goodness away from the shallow earthly definition which views the death of the flesh as heinous, towards a more exact sense of justice that views physical death as a simple solution-- one of many. Goodness is judged in its promise, and the only promise God’s goodness gives is the promise that no matter who you are; no matter what race, or creed or social standing, you undoubtedly will feel pain. There is no eye that opens into this world that does not know tears. However, with that promise comes its grace. Pain, unlike God, is not forever nor everlasting. There is no endless river of tears, while there is a never ending river of life, love and hope-- The Holy Spirit.

God is good.

The declaration of God’s goodness, and the joyful worship it inspires, is the one statement that answers my problems completely. You do not need great blessings and riches to be able to sing this statement boldly in honesty, because it is in that statement that perspective is found. It is in that statement where burdens are laid. It is in that statement life finds its order, and it is in that statement my pain is justified-- I am justified at last.

God is good… always.

Malcolm X and Human Hacking

2007-02-27T14:42:00.000-05:00

"I am anti evil, anti oppression, anti lynching. You can’t be anti those things unless you are also anti the oppressor and the lyncher. You can’t be anti slavery and pro slave-master." --Malcolm X

Malcolm X is one of those historical figures I find inherently fascinating, however I tend to not agree with his statements or how he derives to his conclusions--logically speaking. I am always highly impressed and drawn towards such charismatic figures as Malcolm X for one basic reason; they are masters at interpersonal manipulation.
They have an amazing understanding of the inner workings of their fellow man. This is a skill I don’t think you can master without a pure sense of empathy however, which is why I find Mr. X to be so contradictive. He understood empathy, he understood the constraints and order of human bias, and he could use them to his advantage to further his, and his organization’s, success, both publicly and financially. I find that admirable!
However, I see how this can become evil. Anyone with a heavy handle on this “inter-human hacking” can make even the most hateful and partial statements seem like sound logic; just like the quote I opened with. Seems sound enough, until you break down the actual implications of what is being stated. Then you can see the shades of hatred, bias, and insecurity melt out.
To put it bluntly, as Christians we can never embrace the above quote, because it is anti-Christian. Within an ideal where our God says “Hate the sin, not the sinner!”, then surely we must be prone to reply to Mr. X, “Yes, you can be anti slavery and pro slave master.” For slavery is the abomination, while the slave master is a man. And using the same expanded sense of empathy that Mr. X used to gain his followers we have to come to the conclusion that the slave master is also a man that would be not much different from Mr. X if he himself had lived Mr. X’s life. (And vise versa: Mr. X would be the slave master as easily if he had grown up as a white farmer in the South. )
Which is another issue I find to be contradictory about Mr. X’s mentality. You see, for such a master of interpersonal manipulation he had to of had this expanded sense of empathy, yet he could not apply that empathy to anything outside of his own personal bias. Thus, he could empower his followers, but he himself was left wide open to manipulation. Anyone who was as skilled as he was at interpersonal manipulation could have brought him down upon the sledge of his own bias. I find this fact fascinating!
Who know, maybe this was part of his greater undoing?

I would also like to point out that I found this quote posted, with admiration in streams of validation, by a white liberal woman. (It was part of her pro-animal rights rhetoric I suppose.) I would just like to point out while she may have seemed intelligent from the outside, the use of this quote not only displayed her misunderstanding of Malcolm X’s words, but it shined a light onto her own personal bias. (The statement of special interest is ALWAYS a declaration of your insecurities, in my opinion.)
Thus in my mind, taking her from what superficially looks intelligent, to some one who in fact is an idiot; ignorantly exposing their weakness, ripe for the taking advantage of. I now know from that one ill placed quote where her bias and insecurities lie… if I was a more evil human being I could be having a lot of fun right now, without her even realizing it.

SEX!!!

2007-02-21T15:39:00.000-05:00

On the writing communities I'm actively involved with, an odd phase of "sexual liberation" is occurring. I am slightly frightened as I see, once thought of, normal adults put down their pens of art and literature, and take up their figurative dildos!

Everyone is writing about sex, talking about sex, wanting to have sex, and planning writing challenges around the theme of sex.

One writing-mate of mine declared to me today; "The year of the Pig is traditionally considered a year of great sexual amorousness you know?" To which I responded, "So it is the year of getting some?" To which he responded, "I certainly hope so my dear!" to which I responded, "You are depraved..."

So as my contemporaries trade their prose in for smut, and their virtues for erotic allegory, I will be hiding... behind a six-inch thick, orange pipe-cleaner and paper-mache' laden chastity belt, praying that my colleagues don't try and rape me in one of their poems!

*sighs* High school over again then, isn't it?

MM

P.S. I bet you clicked on this blog because it said in happy, bold letters the word "SEX" ?? ..you animal you! =)

The Division Bell

2007-02-13T12:22:00.000-05:00

This is all very important to me. Yet it is all meaningless.

My life is changing. I can feel it. This fact became very clear to me Sunday while we were all in Green Cove Springs. It's as though that trip was set up for the purpose of showing me and having me feel that things are in fact changing.
I'm scared.

I got very depressed a few months back by seeing all the messed up things in my life that I didn't cause, that weren't my fault, and I could not fix. I had no direction, no idea what was going to become of me. I decided since I couldn't fix other people's demons, and since I had no idea whether or not I was going to be a complete failure at life, I needed to do the one thing I had been neglecting to do-- focusing on my relationship with God. (Nothing else left to lose I guess.)

Well I can now see the divine comedy in it all. I toil and struggle to keep things together and I fail and am miserable. But the moment I decide all the things I toil to save don't really matter my path starts to show itself.
Humans truly toil in vanity, don't they?

My Sunday of realization started in Church. I was distracted and thinking while the preacher was preaching. (Sorry Josh.) But I don't think I was being irreverent, I was thinking about something I needed to do. It was in a flash of an instance that I figured out this one plot hole that had been plaguing me and keeping me from completing my manuscript. I don't know where the thought came from but I got it figured out. I can now complete my manuscript and get that part of my life rolling forward. All my toil and thinking didn't work, but just relaxing and listening in Sunday School helped thoughts roll together.

Then when I got to Green Cove Springs, I really started to become scared, and depressed. I could really feel that things were going to change, and I know now that if I continue on the path of allowing God to decide my worth, and not toil to stop things from moving out of fear, then life will change rapidly.

This depressed me. There was a lot of happiness Sunday. But I could smell death, and its taste was under the surface of every joy. I felt things getting ready to die off, I felt relationships I have preparing to change, and be reconditioned to new terms. I felt things preparing to slip away, and other things preparing to take their place. I felt something in me saying; "Enjoy the innocence, and enjoy the immaturity... it isn't forever."

I remember clutching a finely tuned bass. (thanks Code) It felt really good. I remembered why I started playing bass and started studying music theory. I thought then, even though music will not be the full force of my life, it is important I continue to train that part of my brain and learn. Also, it is very important that I start playing actively again. It is a great source of joy for me, and is still a piece of me.

I remember talking to Miguel about life. I got a very odd feeling when I was. I didn't view him for an instance as a peer-- I viewed him as the 16 year-old child he was. I felt a spark of gentleness I didn't know I possessed. When he argued with me, I didn't become frustrated like I would with anyone else. I had this patience I didn't realize I actually had. I had this will to teach him, and when he tried to rebel against me I wasn't offended, I found it wonderful. What a wonderful thing; I got this child's mind to move and think. I made wheels spin. I had a need to protect him, and yet when he rebelled against anything I said I felt a need to listen intently, and accept it, because I knew no matter what he was thinking, I didn't need to pressure, because he was a good boy and would figure this life stuff out someday. (Though I feared he'd hurt himself in the process.)
I never cared whether or not I had children until that moment I think. Something about that gentleness that just flipped on like a light switch. It told me that some where in me was some one who was built to mother, and was made to teach and lead and nurture. What a frightening thought. But it came upon me in such a way I feel as though I may not even have a choice if I want to continue doing the things God wants me to accomplish.

As I sat on the couch that night with a Bible talking with my friends about theology I felt utterly in love. I had almost forgotten how much I just utterly love every nook, every shadow-picture, and every mystery in that little black book. So I've decided; and my friends may remember when we were at Solid Grounds Coffee shop, I was talking about writing a thesis and getting my Doctrine in theology. That was a pipe dream then... but now, I need to do that.
When I get my GED, I'm going to apply for a student loan so I can attend Seminary College. There is a Nationally accredited Seminary College here in Jacksonville that awards degrees from under-grad through Masters and PhD's. I'll be enrolling in the Masters thru PhD courses when I receive my GED. I've decided this, so if any of y'all have any reservations tell me, they will be duly noted, then ignored. ;)

It was a very good night.
And I've gotten to an interesting place. I've rose from not knowing what to do with my life to having an image of what I should become.

Wife, Mother-- Theologian, Novelist-- This all seems like damn good corner stones to a pretty full life. And add that to the stuff I already knew I possessed, like a good business mind, musical ability, and a damn good sense around a kitchen, and I would have to say that God could write me a life that was better than anything I ever toiled towards.

But, I'm still afraid. I am scared to death. I feel things changing and I'm so scared. I see what I can become... but that doesn't change the fact of what I am. I'm just barely a woman yet-- just a little girl still chasing the big kids down the dock, barely being able to keep up.

"The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river ...

Forever and ever."-- High hopes; Pink Floyd.

Dismayed At Wal-Mart!

2007-02-07T10:29:00.001-05:00

I was in Wal-mart today; buying some food, minding my own business while waiting in a 30 minute line to check-out, when I heard this odd sound.
It sounded as if I took a soggy door mat and pulled it hard across ceramic tile! I looked over and it was a white woman. She was wearing too much make- up, had a fake-ass weave for hair and was totally ghetto fabulous!!

She apparently messed up the self check-out machine and paid an incorrect amount by scanning an item twice by mistake. So she got really pissed off and started screaming.

The manager came over to help, the freaky ghetto white girl promptly started cursing her out while demanding her money. She was all like, "…what the fuck, this is shit, you fucking bitch give me my fucking money, I swear to g*d- damn- it, fucking hurry your ass up!!!"

At one point the woman flipped out and almost hit the manager while scream "No you know what, just get the fuck away from me..." Then the ghetto white girl demanded a new manager to help her. Basically she got all the Wal-mart employees in a stir over her insignificant, easy to remedy problem.

People who react and handle life's simple annoyances like this are, and will be utter failures in life. This attitude is sickening to me. Why are there some who haven't graduated from the middle school mentally, and think they can bully their way through life, as though the world freaking spun around their weaved little heads!!!
People like this defiantly leave a lot of room at the top of the success latter. I mean, it's the least they can do for taking up my air and patience! I'm sick of dealing and being witness to animals like this. Why don't they realize they are just making themselves look like fools.

When people lose control of their tempers, they lose control of their power in situations…always! And without personal power I really don't think any human can succeed professionally, or mentally, beyond the middle school level.

But it was kind of funny.. Wal-mart management technically had it coming to them for a long time now. Hehe!

Suffering Fools

2006-12-22T20:44:00.000-05:00

So today I was just minding my own business, driving around town while listening to some Righteous Christian Thrash Metal, thinking Jesus kicks ass, when a thought flashed across my mind that was so profound I now can't shake the feel of it! I thought; "People suck!"

Yes, Humanity is the cancer of the world!

I've never felt so free in all my life. I had finally found the answer to all my life's anxieties; other people!

You see today I went to the St. John's Town Center, and today is the Friday before Christmas. (oops, did I say "Christmas"? I meant joyful, totally non-Christian related Secular celebration of the solstice season.)

There was an unimaginable number of people shopping for presents in which to adore their loved ones with on joyful, totally non-Christian related Secular celebration of the solstice morning. They were all angry, and rude, and rushing about like Christ had returned. (oops, did I say "Christ"? I meant mythological Judea-Christian deity-dude, with out-dated ideals from that Mel Gibson movie my mother made me see.)

I just couldn't get over how stupid everyone was.
Honking-- nearly hitting my car, and following me as I exited my car to see if they could steal my parking place or something. (I already parked you old bat!) I couldn't stop thinking that there was no way in hell that any of these people had people they loved enough to buy presents for. I mean, they were all so angry and hateful, how could they honestly love anyone enough to buy them stuff?

It was about that moment when I walked into Barnes & Nobel to buy a Rainbow CD, that I noticed you could barely stand inside the bookstore because it was so damn crowded with humans! (yuck!) I was shocked, and very confused. I mean looking at the way these things drive do you honestly expect me to believe they can read?

Well I bought the Rainbow CD and drove out of that God- forsaken place. (oops, did I say "God?" I meant imaginary cosmic- comforter who created the Universe, who's evidence of existence can't be logically explained away but I decided He doesn't exist anyways just to piss my parents off, because my uncle, who was a religious man, stole my candy when I was 5, so now I'm an Atheist who doesn't believe anything exists, and yes I know me saying the word "believe" is contradictive but…wait, I don't exist either then I guess! *disappears into nowhere*… Nowhere also does not exist!)

I returned to my car. I popped in the new Rainbow CD as it began to rain and declared boldly to myself "Yes, I am the Man, not even Dio can deny it!"

With my new sense of self- satisfaction I drove to Target.

At Target (or Tarz-aye as I like to call it.) there were more stupid people to offend my senses.
I just couldn't get over the fact that there was this many people outside at once. I mean, where do they all live? Do any of them have purposes past being in my way and being ornery as hell? I just know that some of these people have to be purposeless, or wasting space on this planet. They can't all be the next Gandhi or President of the United States can they?

I was sipping my herbally- enhanced Fruit smoothie (to help curb my menstrual cramps) wondering what all these people do, or will do with their lives? Then I started thinking about what I would do with my life. Then I got depressed… then I got a subtle sense of hope. I got hopefully mostly because I was thinking about what I would do with my life, knowing that I was probably the only person I saw today that cared to think that thought.

Anywho, have a Merry joyful, totally non-Christian related Secular celebration of the solstice season. And may the Spirit of our mythological Judeo-Christian deity-dude, with out dated ideals from that Mel Gibson movie my mother made me see be with you, so that Our Lord, imaginary cosmic- comforter who created the Universe, who's evidence of existence can't be logically explained away but I decided He doesn't exist anyways just to piss my parents off, because my uncle, who was a religious man, stole my candy when I was 5, so now I'm an Atheist who doesn't believe anything exists, and yes I know me saying the word ''believe' is contradictive, oops, wait I don't exist either then I guess! *disappears into nowhere*… Nowhere also does not exist! may keep you and yours on this wondrous Holiday Season!

The Condition of Drowning

2006-11-19T11:24:00.000-05:00

Here it is! Below is the poem that started it all! The name sake-- The corner stone!

Impressive, yes? Well, it is quite an old one of mine, and frankly I'd like to think I write better than this poem now, but never-the-less this old piece was the name sake for this blog. (Which I know you all can't live without, because you all leave me SOOO MANY comments! *sarcasm*)

ENJOY!

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The Condition of Drowning - Maggie May

A mortal tempest to the dying Earth.
My iniquity dilutes the water.

I am stolen from the sands--
A shore of brick and mortar.

All my glory, washed away.
Drowning in my shades of conceit.

Condescension abducts my breath,
Brine entrenched deceit.

My arrogance is a crown of lead,
Weighing me down to the ocean floor.

Release me!
My way is no way, anymore.

Maggie May Schill Copyright © 2003.
------------------------------------------------

Foot Note:
Posting just the poem may seem a bit lazy to even my most liberal of readers, and it is! And I'm hoping ya'll are pretty lazy right now too.

Ciao!

Folio Weekly Burned Me!!!

2006-10-25T11:04:00.000-04:00

I recently Submitted an article to a local News-zine Folio Weekly. I submitted to their music section, as I was writing an article on the local power metal scene of Northeastern Florida. I was pretty excited when I submitted my 1000 word double-spaced bit of journalistic drippings, on schedule with all declared speculations met.

However, I did not foresee the publication taking my article and making me feel like an idiot, which is exactly how I feel.

It was decided without my knowledge that my 1000 word article would be cut to a few hundred. This isn't a big deal, that is if they allowed me to do the trimming, or did the trimming with thought and not so bluntly.

They decided to refocus my entire article on one subject mentioned in the article. (which I could have done for them if asked. ) Who ever edited my article left nothing of it resembling my original writing. (which again isn't a huge deal I suppose, If I didn't look like an idiot in the end.)
I did not recognize a single sentence. Not to mention the article was sprinkled with obvious grammatical & punctuation problems.

They had a nasty habit also of just chopping sentences up and creating incomplete sentences.

Example from the article: "And to keep an open mind to the many disparate styles of metal."

-This is an incomplete sentence to me. "And" what?! Not only was I under the impression that starting a sentence with the word "and", "but" and "because" could only be done sparingly, and only when it is obviously appropriate, but I was only under the impression that a sentence needs a defined subject. The sentence given as example above is obviously a continuation of another sentence, however it was stamped as its own sentence without tack.

Also, in their haste to shorten the article they assumed a little too much. Making me look uneducated on a subject, which I happen to me a bloody expert on!

Example from the article: "..power metal has been shaped by European bands like Iron Maiden, Sonata Artica and Italy's Rhapsody of Fire. American groups like Kamelot have proven the ..European Only.. branding unwarranted.:"

-Now, I am not a complete idiot! I am fully aware that Sonata Artica & Rhapsody didn't shape the face of power metal! Iron Maiden, Crimson Glory and Helloween were some of the impact head runners of power metal, as they are all founded in the mid-late 70's to early 80's, making them some of the first. Sonata Artica and Luca Turilli..s Rhapsody were founded in the 90's, thus they didn't shape power metal, but were themselves shaped by the earlier bands.

Now one giant no-no that has got me hopping over this is their miss quotes of my interview subject.
My subject said this: "(We) didn't get hugely refined or much profile in the live scene until early 2004..."

Folio Weekly said this: "(We) didn't get hugely refined or much (of an audience) until early 2004..."

My subject did not mean to say there wasn't "much of an audience", nor did he mean to suggest that there is even an audience right now. He meant to say profile, in which he was implying something utterly different from suggesting anything to do with crowd turn out. I was unaware an editor could edit quoted material, because I thought there were certain ethical, or even legal issues with misquoting an interview subject.

I guess that doesn't matter to them because their name isn't on the article! I'm the only one who will be held accountable for misquoting, inaccurate information and poor literary skills. It is my name printed on the article as writer, even though I can not recognize a single sentence as being genuinely mine after their editing. But this most likely doesn't matter because they didn't print my entire name anyways. They thought my middle name was my surname, despite the fact the article was addressed by me, and my calling card was left on several editorial correspondence letters.

Within the article there was rewrites put into place that were just plain campy. References to "Spinal Tap", and "headbangers", and dramatic rephrasing of statements with incorrect punctuation, also served to make me look like a fool. Just the idea of referencing Spinal Tap, or anything campy in that nature, is expressing to my power metal readers and friends a sense of disrespect! Like I'm not taking them seriously or something.

They also changed the title of the article, which isn't a big deal it happens all the time. But they changed the name to "Power Rangers". If anyone still thought I respected power metal musicians they will sure hold their appreciation after reading that title!

I also wasn't paid yet. The work I did was about 1000 words, so I should receive between 50-70 bucks. But, they cut the length down to a mere 500 words, meaning I will be paid for what they printed and not what I worked on. Therefore in the end I..m lucky if I receive chunk change, if I am paid at all. Not a big deal, I'm not even going to bother anyone about it.

Perhaps it is better my full name wasn't printed. I never want this coming back to bite me.

Now, I do encourage everyone in the Jacksonville area to pick up the Folio Weekly, and pick it up every week. It is a very good reflection on the local area with wonderful in-depth articles on all that concerns Jacksonville and the surrounding areas of Northeaster Florida. I do urge my readers to continue to support the Folio Weekly if they are within the Jacksonville area! It wasn't a very good reflection on me this time around, everyone makes mistakes, I most likely made a few as well, but I'll take my striping I suppose.

"K-Now"

2006-09-19T10:12:00.001-04:00

When I was in the 1st grade I was rarely absent from class. Except for this day where I decided I simply did not feel like going to school, so I pretended I was sick and stood home. Unfortunately for me it was the day in where the class learned that when ‘k’ and ‘n’ are together it makes the ‘n’ sound; not the ‘k‘ sound.

So, I came back to class the next day and when my teacher, Sister Davita, called on me to read a paragraph aloud to the class I stumbled over one of the simplest words in the English language; “know".

I kept reading over it and saying, “K-now” … “K-now”. I was uncomfortable as I heard snickers come out from all corners of the classroom every time I stumbled upon that dreaded word.
“K-now”, it got to the point where I could here the anticipated laughter of my classmates as I read on.

When I was near the end of my paragraph Sister Davita stopped me and loomed over my desk. She looked towards the class with her index finger pointed clear at my face and said; “Class, this is why it is important not to miss days of school. It is hard to catch up when we fall behind.” I was so embarrassed. All this humiliation just because of one ill planned sick day.

Now I sit here a grown woman thinking back. I think I now understand the gravity of what Sister Davita was stating as I reflect it towards my current life and situation. How often have I felt left behind? How often have I taken the path of laziness and fallen flat on my face?

I even now as a ‘wannabe’ writer have played pass the ball with my own projects. I have in fact dropped the ball in completing what is suppose to be my dream. My laziness still is driving me to play sick in life. I have missed out on opportunities to learn and grow, and flourish as a professional writer. Just like how I missed out as a child to get a clearer grasp on the English language. Not to mention I am a dyslexic and could have used that lesson in language back then more than your average student.

I’m still that 1st grader, dodging class in the name of laziness. I am literally absent in my life. My lack of presence is something I have now come to grips with, and am now forcefully changing.

My memories horrify me as I look back upon fruitful years where I had chosen to reap no fruit. And the worse of all is that Sister Davita was right, it is hard to catch up once you’ve allowed yourself to fall behind. I feel over whelmed. My mind has piled up with project ideas, but I have not been working on any of them, so they all fight to see the light of day at once. Thus I am paralyzed, and accomplishing nothing in this etherized state of being.

It truly is hard to catch up once we are behind.

However, I plan to change this behavior, right now! Though I do not “K-now” why I ever behaved in this way in the first place. Perhaps that is an issue better explored in a later blog, once I have got my own psychology sorted out.

I just have to say that life is not something to play hooky in.

Oh My Goth!

2006-07-26T15:15:00.000-04:00

Mall-Goths; the bane of my existence. The fishnet dam in which my sensibilities are strung up upon. But what are these curious creatures that flood the opening of our shopping complexes and coffee shops with a cloud of under aged secondhand smoke? Are they human? Animal? Mineral? Let’s discuss this.

To educate you in case you aren’t sure, a Mall-Goth is a person between the ages of 12-17 who typically associates themselves with the Gothic Urban Sub- Culture.

However, the Gothic Urban Sub- Culture takes great strides to disassociate themselves from Mall-Goths.
Mall-Goths are better known as ‘poser’ Goths. Mall-Goths get their name because they hang outside of malls and other such shopping centers. They do this because frankly they aren’t old enough to hang out at an actual Gothic club. (21+ all you spooky kids!)

Mall-Goths tend to spend their online time blogging tirades against such conformist ideals, such as; Capitalism and ‘Preppy people’. All the while wearing their favorite $40 anarchist t-shirt from HotTopic. (A store owned by Abercrombie and Fitch... can you say irony?)

Mall-Goths also stake claims to an elite musical taste, professing to live for Gothic style Metal. Unfortunately, when a Mall-Goth says they like Gothic Metal they are not referring to the musical artistries of Goth-metal bands like Germany’s Darkseed. They are referring to the band HIM, which is neither gothic nor metal. Also, many Mall-Goths lay stakes to being fans of ‘true’ black metal.I myself being a black metal fan could relate to this, that’s if they were referring to black metal bands like Immortal or Antestor. No, Mall-Goths are never referring to the atmospheric Folk-metal of the Frozen North, they are always referring to Cradle of Filth. A band that hasn’t been black metal since the Christendom burned and sacked Norway.

Mall-Goths also tend to have a particular affinity for cultural symbols like Vampires or werewolves; making movies like “Under World” million dollar block busters, and putting food on Anne Rice’s table.

You see, serious writers as myself are often offended by Mall-Goth’s, just because of their writing. They have a barrage of angst ridden, minimalist styled worthless free verse poetry. They often come onto writing communities, shove their work down experienced writers' throats then get offended if they are given an honest and friendly critique. If you tell them their work is filled with misspells and forced rhymes they will not accepted it with any sense of professionalism, they will attack! They will simply email you five times saying “u dun understnad mi poetry 4 it is 2 deep 4 ur meer mortal mind there4 u do not understand moi just lyke mi daddy whom tis poem wuz ritten ‘bout *le sigh * truly im but a shadow that is not understood in this dark forsking earth.” Enough to make you rip your own eyes out? They are usually the perfect example of people who write poetry, but fail to read poetry. That is including their fellow writer’s poetry. Thus summing their art up as self serving failed expressionism.

They also have a particular disassociation to religious belief, or should I say, an association? 9/10 Mall-Goths have been Wiccan at least once… a week. (Yes, I’m kidding! Sheesh!.. sorta.) They, from my observation, change religion (and sexuality) every other week depending on mood, who they are hanging out with or what is trendy. Classic teenagers basically. (Now I’m kidding!.. sorta.) Mall-Goth’s jump in and out of neo-paganism, nihilism and Laveyism like it is underwear. (Yes I know this is a generalization, but that’s sort of the point of this blog.) Anything pseudo-intellectual is clenched onto like a baby pig to a sow’s tit, feeding and feeding to try and build themselves a personality. However, the one religious establishment they will never consider is Christianity. Their argument is that Christianity is filled with ignorant people who hate them for who they are, do not understand them and never will… EVER! (note: Anne Rice is a Christian.)

Of course, this all just brings us to ask; where do Mall-Goth’s come from? Many theories are out there but here is the most widely accepted explanation. Mall-Goth culture started in the early 90’s in Florida. The explosion was centered around a South Florida band called “Marilyn Manson & The Spooky Kids” (later changed their name to Marilyn Manson.) Many people argue that Manson’s first commercial release, “A Portrait of an American Family.” is in fact a blue-print for American Mall-Goth culture. Thus, the Mall-Goth’s we see today are merely off-shoots of their predecessors, the Mansonites. Which is a testament to the true trend devouring nature of Mall-Goth culture. In the early 90’s Mall-Goths or Mansonites were influenced by such bands as Manson, Stabbing Westward and Nine Inch Nails.( a Trent Reznor Project.) But today with the Mansonites grown up and firmly in their 20’s and 30’s the new generation has arrived to not only pay homage to the old throw back of Mansondom, but worship new gods on new altars, with bands like HIM, Korn, and Slipknot. However, the true testament to the trendiness of Mall-Goth culture may in fact lie in what new trends they are picking up. (With the help of Ozzfest; the altar of truth.) Powermetal in a weak form is becoming popular among a small number of Mall-Goths, with bands such as Dragonforce, Iron Maiden and Nightwish. While other Powermetal bands with more music merit are ignored by the group because they have not yet broken into American’s trend culture.

Now, this brings up a question of what the origin of the mentality of a Mall-Goth is. Some say they are brats, or have no parental attention. (Who did have the parental attention they needed?) Maybe so. But let us explore this by examining a conversation a Mall-Goth would have with their parents on any given day.

Mall-Goth Sally: i h8 mi lyfe ::le sigh:: im gonna rite a poem bout how i dun desrve 2 live

Mall-Goth Mom: Why my dear? I’ll tell you what here’s $100, you can go to HotTopic and buy yourself some new chain studded jnco’s. For sure that will lift your despaired spirits.

Mall-Goth Sally: i h8 u mom u ne’er understnd moi u m8k mi lyfe HELLL!!!111

Mall-Goth Mom: Why dear, you have everything. A nice house, a new Gateway 2000 notebook, the pony you always wanted, a $1000 weekly allowance, what more could you ask for?

Mall-Goth Sally: OMG OMG!!!!111 i h8 u im gonna go 2 da mall now 2 hang out wit mi troo goth boi friend he undrstnds me … trooly we r gonna talk bout pretnding to kill r-selves 4 d world doth forske us .....he cuts HIMself 2!!!! ….. ……. ……hey mom can u giv me a ride 2 d mall in ur nu-white suburban vehicle? <3>

Now this brings me to my closing. What should we do with these Mall-Goth? Kill them? Ship them to Guam? Launch them out of cannons into the sides of buildings? Of course not. You know what we should do? Leave them the hell alone! Let them write their ‘damned’ poetry. Let them wear ridiculously baggy pants with little metal chains that cost more than the material on which it's sewn. They are kids! What were you doing at that age? Listening to Spice Girls? Trying to look like the white dude from Miami Vice? Let them be kids, let them learn, let them laugh like hell when they read their old poetry books five years from now… just like the rest of us.

P.S: My soul is Chaos.

The God of Jacob

2006-07-08T19:03:00.000-04:00

No, I’m not going into a Theological discussion, (I know how that would irritate some of you.) however I would like to start out by relaying some Biblical information. So please bear with me?

The God of Jacob, depicted in The Old Testament, was complicated. Even seemingly contradictory in His feelings when compared to His actions. One particular attitude of God that always used to puzzle me was His relationship with Humanity. It is repeated in scripture that The God of Jacob hated Man-kind, and He would look upon Man’s self-destructed behavior and feel moved to destroy him.
However, it also says that The God of Jacob would always withdraw His hand and nullify His own anger upon giving Humanity a second look. Upon His second glance The Son of Man argued on Humanity’s behalf. (God argued a point to Himself, basically.)

Now, on with my point.
I spent many years questioning and pondering what it was The God of Jacob saw within that second glance. What argument is strong enough to sway the objective and righteous hand of an omnipotent being?
I sat and I watched the same atrocities that The God of Jacob did. And I can not deny the way in which they have spanned across Man’s existence. I could write a list from here to the moon, and still not be able to sum up the length of Man’s failings as the dominate species of this planet.

Well, here’s my short list:
War
Violence
Apathy
Malice
Cruelty
Iniquity
Condemnation
Greed
Perversion
&
Exploitation

There is truly no species more arrogant, self-serving and futile than Man! I feel even as though my pointing out Man’s shortcomings to be futile in any nature.
So I sit and wonder; like the fatalist I am, what the hell is the point? What the hell is the point in caring what’s wrong with my species? What the hell is the point in caring what happens to my species? What the hell is even the point of my species?

Now, I have asked these questions of myself without even so much as a glint of an answer. I quickly learned there was no answer to be found in myself, so I started looking elsewhere.
I first looked at my friends, my family and peers. I studied humans, their interactions and mannerisms. I studied foreign politics, cultures and histories. But unfortunately, this only made matters worse. Everything I observed in Humanity supported a valid argument for Man-kind’s injury.
Within my friends I found insincerity, within my family there were shades of indifference. And my peers were all crooks!
Also, the matter only got worse if I looked at the international community. Wars, espionage, poverty, the list just goes on!

I could not come to any logical argument against Humanity’s injury. Within my first glance I saw a world of liars.

My logic heralded disgust at the Humanity I saw. But then something in me called out. It called me to take a second glance. That glance spanned years of observation, and upon doing so I found a profound argument in which I debated in my own heart on Man’s behalf.

To help explain what that argument consisted of here’s a story that helped inspire this argument in me.

There was a man back a few years ago in Florida that killed his wife brutally, when he discovered she was having an affair. He stabbed her twelve times and set her on fire. But before he left, to go on the run he grabbed his wife’s dog. He put it in the car with him and made sure he had plenty of dog food packed in his pick-up truck for the ride. This act of pity for the animal struck me as quite odd when I first heard about it. Why did he kill his wife, but take loving care of her dog?

With a little thought, this question found its answer in me. You see, the woman was unfaithful to the man but the dog was loyal! The dog loved him despite what he had just done, didn’t question him and never did, or would betray him. The dog was easy to forgive and love because the dog had never trespassed against the man, the woman was not because she had destroyed the him.
The man killing was an act of retribution, so therefore his judgment could not be extended to the dog. The dog neither deserved suffering, nor could it process the meaning behind suffering.
Animal rights activists have an honorable cause: to protect and defend helpless animals from suffering. While it is honorable it is not virtuous, for a virtue is achieved through struggle. You see, it is hardly a struggle to love what is easy to love, to forgive what has never faltered, or pity what has never offended us.

Now, with that said, humans are not innocent. Our nature is cancerous, we consume in a self-serving manner, without even a care as to how the guy below us is effected. Simply put, we harm and we injure. So do we deserve pity?
However, in my second glance it was clear to me that despite how much Man would deserve destruction, he should not be destroyed. Also, despite the fact I hate Humanity I love Man.
Why? Why do I love something that does not deserve love? Why pity what does not deserve my pity?

Simple, I saw that Man is the harbinger of an unspeakable ‘light’, one that fights to outshine unspeakable evil in Him. I no longer saw a world filled with liars, I saw a world filled with people who lie. But they are not liars!
There is a ‘light’, a ‘light’ that bleeds Humanity’s true name, it is omnipotent and quiet. Man is the host for this ‘light’.

However, this ‘light’ sits and whimpers!
This ‘light’ is enslaved! It is enslaved by Man’s own iniquity. It cowards in the shadows of injustice begging for release. For the ‘light’ in Man is so willing, but the flesh on Man encases it for all its weakness.
I came to the point where I could look a liar in the eyes and see how much the lie was killing him, and how much they knew it and feared it. You can almost smell the desperation on Humanity’s breath. No man curled in his mother’s stomach heralded that he wanted to be the liar or murderer when he grew up. No, Iniquity devoured him the moment he slipped from his mother’s womb.

So there is little I can do but know that Man is being killed. I can not agree with his actions but I can not condemn him for them either, not after seeing this ‘light’, not after finding love for this ‘light’.

I can do nothing now but live for this ‘light’. I will die for this ‘light’, if it only has a fighting chance to continue. If the entire world turned boldly evil over night, and only one man left in existence harbored this ‘light’, that man would justify the entire Human race, even if he stood alone!

The ‘light’ is indefinable, and justifying. So surely if there was only one man on earth left with it, I would bank my heart in him.

I may finally understand why The God of Jacob held His hand.

The Recluse: Society

2006-07-03T18:36:00.001-04:00

It is in my opinion that people are more reclusive than ever, while still trying to put off a facade of extreme socialism. This state of being and continued process is what I refer to as 'The Recluse: Society'.
I remember my grandfather always telling me, “When I was your age I tipped my hat to everyone I walked pass on the sidewalks.”
I can only remember his words with a melancholy apprehension as people try to avoid eye contact with me as we pass on the sidewalks.

When was the last time we said “hi, let‘s hang out?”, or offered to make or buy the new guy on the block some dinner? In our grandparent’s generation anything less than this would have been rude! Today such expressions of socialism are considered creepy. They are creepy because they are awkward! I will not act above my generation; I consider such acts of kindness to be awkward as well. However, my question is when did it go from polite to embarrassing?

Maybe we were effectively brainwashed by the after school specials when they said, “Don’t talk to strangers!” ? Our generation, however did not listen when the after school special said don’t drink or smoke pot. Why? Perhaps, because intoxicating our minds with depressants is a solo effort, and we honestly believe that every unfamiliar face is a molester or a crook?

Adversely, I personally don’t think it has anything to do with what we think of others. I think it has a lot to do with what we think within ourselves. We’re enclosed and selfish. We don’t take the first steps in communications and allowing others to know us because WE would feel awkward! We are selfishly reclusive-- hording our own knowledge of existence for ourselves. We play off by saying, “I don’t want to bother anyone!” That’s a mask and a call for self pity; as to say our presence is a bother to another human being? Just saying “hi” or, “can I help you carry that to your car ma’am?” is a horrid inconvenience on other’s day? Really? The truth is we don’t want to feel the momentary nervousness-- we don’t want others in our heads. If we truly knew each other we might just feel a bit dirty.

So this arouses yet another question: when did this process start?
Truthfully, I have no idea, but it is in my awareness that this same social situation is not common among the Eastern cultures. These are cultures where it is still common to care reverently for your elderly, pay good tidings to new neighbors and newly born children, (in or out of your family). In the East there are still places where you are expected to look strangers in the eye and where anything less than a smile and hand shake is considered disrespectful. This realization would pin-point the origin of 'The Recluse: Society' to the Western world.

However, with the swift Westernization of the Eastern world these same effects are consuming our Eastern neighbors at a slow but escalating rate. In fact, the presence of McDonald's is often a deafening sign of the slow consumption of the Eastern world. Many countries even try to boycott this particular enterprise in a futile struggle to maintain the social traditions of their culture, (and for their future generation's health, I’m sure.)

Now, I am aware that assuming that the West is to blame can go in a subjective, or even bias filing. The only true objective evidence of this is a formula of deduction: The Eastern world is not entirely consumed by 'The Recluse: Society' while the Western world all but is.

This would lead us to believe it is something the Western world did, or had happened to them. Which ever (or both) it is certain that in the conception of the issue the societies did not deal with this problem in a constructive manner-- one in which was respectful to emotional/ mental health and well-being.
Again, I personally can not pin-point what started all this. Maybe it started with the World Wars? Or perhaps it can be traced back to The Manifest Destiny of America-- or even earlier?
Only one idea sits squarely in my mind; The Cold War was the straw that broke the camels back. The Cold War truly did trigger a social paranoia. This comment is of pure personal deduction and may fall subjective, but I can not ignore the obvious impact this era had upon The Generation X, and how the generations to follow slid down this slipper slope at their heals.

Perhaps instead we do not need to look at any political change in climate to find a villain in this problem? Perhaps it is simply a symptom of our information age? An age where we can take the human contact out of our human communication.

I once viewed the invention of the internet and its rapid assimilation of society as a positive unifier of mankind. It was to be an endless reach of communication with almost effortless execution, surely I thought it would broaden our language and understanding of our fellow man.
I see that this is not the case however. While the internet has extended communication’s reach, it has chastised its depth. We can now talk to some one half way around the world as though they were our neighbors down the street, yet we now treat our neighbors down the street as though they were a world away.

There is much we would say and do we'd normally not if we weren't forced to look our neighbor in the eye. But what if we become accustomed to communicating without the human impact upon our manners and gestures? Would we start taking the human care out of our face-to-face human interactions as well? Maybe society has already done this?

There are more questions to disturb than to comfort in this issue in my opinion. The only question I can give a definite yes or no to is this: Do humans need a healthy social interaction? And, the answer is we in fact do have a natural need to be understood and have our existence validated despite our reclusive behaviors. Just think, how many blogs will we write this week in an effort to carelessly spew out our guts upon humanity. (With current mood meters and all.)
Yet in other aspects of life, we hold back. The plunge we take in diary form is to deep, and we once again become the hermit, thus making our attempts at socialization fruitless or even shallow. How can it be anything but shallow if we fear the depths of our own human interaction?

A mass of people, weaved together and ever- lonely.

Was there a point when it was okay to perpetually remain in our infancy, like a toddler coyly peeking out from behind his mother’s knees while the family goes to meet the new neighbors? Is it as though we are this child, only we’ve never been pulled forward, with loving hands, to introduce ourselves and declare we exist to our fellow man?